Awful at any age…
Written on March 25, 2008
This Easter, our NAW AGM safely behind us the previous weekend, I decided to write a post about our AGM.
So, I sat down and made a start … but then, rather than carrying on writing about our AGM, I decided instead just to read through people’s comments on the blog just to see if any patterns emerged in people’s replies. And, of course, they did! And so that’s what I am now writing about now!
When our partners die, we all feel that we are alone and we suspect that no-one else has ever felt as bad as we do - at least that’s what I felt! The reality is very different; there’s a tremendous commonality in how we all feel - almost regardless of our individual backgrounds and circumstances. That’s why, of course, it helps so much to meet up with others in the same boat…
But one recurring theme in people’s comments did surprise me. And that’s the high percentage of comments that came from people bereaved in their 50s .
This might be explained simply by the nature of on line activity, as participants are more likely to be younger. However, as my Vice Chair, Joyce Howe, is celebrating her 90th birthday in a few days’ time and is a big fan of email, the web etc I had better take care that I don’t fall into an ageist trap! And, in fact, I do believe there’s far more to it that.
Losing your partner at any age is just awful. There’s no good time, no ideal age, that’s for sure. You can look at it in all sorts of ways. Older bereaved people, for example, are more likely to know others in the same position; but for a variety of reasons they may find it harder to adjust over time. Younger widows and widowers miss out on the future they had planned and often have children to bring up single-handedly; but those very children may give them a focus, a reason to get up in the morning. (Incidentally, although the NAW has members of all ages, there is another organisation that is exclusively for the under 50s. It’s called WAY (Widowed and Young)).
Anyway, what of those in their 50s and early sixties? Well, as I say, a lot of you are in this group, as I am – and some of you do still have children at home too. One widow said to me, “I’m too old to go clubbing and I’m too young to hang my boots up!” How true! Doubtless my own personal experience has something to do with it but yes I do believe it’s a terrible time to be bereaved.
In one way though, widows and widowers of my age may have advantages over those who lost their partners earlier or later than us. We over 50s are old enough to have enjoyed a good life with our partners and to take comfort from the years we spent together. Equally, we are young enough to have the energy, including the physical energy, to get to grips with building another, future life. And no, I am not saying it’s easy! But having now talked to hundreds and hundreds of widows and widowers, I do believe that we may just be the lucky ones.
But easy or hard, young or old, it’s what we have to do. It can be done – though not overnight. It takes time. Finally though, for all of us, there is no option. We have to do it. We have to rebuild – and organisations like the NAW are there to help us. You are not alone.
Filed in: Just being....
Very astute. As a widow of four years I totally agree…it’s difficult at any age, but what I find/found the most difficult, now that I am well on my way to healing and normalcy, (whatever that is) is getting back into dating again. It’s such a mixed bag, and dating isn’t anything like it used to be. But then, what is. It’s sure been and is an interesting journey. elaine
i have been widowed for eighteen weeks and i have good and bad days i have 2 sons (neither stay at home although they do stay close to me ) one son is coping reasonably well and another son, who cries more than me, if that is possible. but i read your comments with interest i agree widows in their ealy 50s are totally confused i know i am. i have yet to find what is normal. i have gone from sitting in pjams all day to being out all day doing anything except going back to an empty house.
I have been widowed for 18 months. At the beginning I kept being told not to make any major decisions until a year had passed and I had experienced all ‘the anniversaries’. I believed that after this year had passed things would be so much easier - how wrong I was. If anything, I feel more alone and confused. I was persuaded to have a 5 day holiday with very good friends (couple) of many years. It was the biggest mistake I have made yet. I was beginning to get used to my new life but being with my friends just brought it home to me that I am alone and am the person who sits alone in the back seat of other people’s cars and, when all the excitement is over, goes home to an empty house with no one to chat to about the holiday.
We all spend our lives considering other people before ourselves but I have found that being widowed changes this. In future I will go with my gut feeling and what I feel comfortable with. Saying yes to every invitation is not always the right thing.
Haven’t added a comment for several months but am coming up to the first Anniversary of being widowed - it still feel strange to use the word - looking back over the past 12 months it has been a roller coaster with many more downs than ups sometimes I feel the ride is smoothing out only to be plunged into darkness once again.I go through periods with lots of things planned some are enjoyable others very painful but I still feel very insecure about the future.Sometimes I get so tired of making plans etc but am afraid to do nothing because of the lonlieness it brings.
I am told that my life is like a jigsaw with a big piece missing and only time can fill the space . When you have bad days it is hard to remember the good ones although there are more good days now compared to the early months when it seems you just exist.
Everyone thinks you are strong and getting on with life - if only they knew how you feel inside!
i have been widowed for just two weeks and iam finding
everything is so much of a strain
i lost my husband just 4 weeks ago and i seem to get worse by the day. on the outside everyone thinks how strong i am but every night i just cry myself to sleep. i still havnt changed the sheets as i can still smell him on them. i am trying to show a brave face, and agreeing with everyone when they say time is a great healer. at the moment if it wasnt for my sons who are so good, i think i would like to go with him. it is so hard and i am just going through the motions of every day life, but now it doesnt have meaning without him.
I am looking toward what to expect. My husband has a stage 4 glioblastoma that was diagnosed July 14th. He has been give 6 mos. or less…that was 2 mos. ago. He is in hospice with me as his primary caregiver. Pat is my soul mate and the best friend I have ever had. Our 20th anniversary is this Wed. Sept. 17th. How do I live without him? Right now I am trying to commit every part of his being to me and live each day minute by minute. Losing someone dear to you is hard, but being there 24/7 and watching them slip away is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love him now and I’ll love him forever.
Hi Annie
I don’t know when you will read this but having read your comments to my post I had to write to say I understand how tomorrow will be a hard day for you.
Mike died fairly quickly and it was really awful to see him slipping away. On the other hand, at least I was able to make my farewells - to say something … though I don’t know how much he was taking in. I hope he heard me say how much I loved him. Some widows who suddenly find themselves alone after a road accident for example, envy us that.
At the moment you will find it impossible to think of a future without him. I hope the NAW is able to help you then. Do get in touch with us - the details are on the web site,
My thoughts are with you.
Jean
First a thank you, to be able to access your blog directly and to the others who have contributed. It’s always the odd times when you want to feel less alone when you want to read of others and it’s never when you’ve remembered to join, because of course 4 years on, you think you are supposed to be okay. So a membership site is great once you have joined.
I was 28 when my husband died and have many conversations with older widows since. No age is the right age to loose your sole mate. Young and you never really experienced life together, older and you knew each other so well. The thing i’ve found after returning home after two years living abroad is you are who you define yourself to be. Away I was rarely a ‘widow’ at home i slip into that ‘category’ until i remember to define myself otherwise.
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