Another holiday
Written on May 4, 2008
It’s another bank holiday weekend - so I guess that means a lot of you will be thinking about other bank holidays in earlier and happier times. Most widows and widowers find holidays difficult.
When first bereaved most of us find that being alone brings back painful memories. “This time last year…” etc. These thoughts can be, and often are, very painful as they come at a time when we are still very fragile and vulnerable, struggling to bring together the life we had with the life we have.
For those of us further along the line, holidays can still prove disruptive - often shattering the fragile new life style and the sense of routine we have struggled to build up. It seems as if everyone else in the whole world is busy, busy…. whilst we are stuck at home with our own thoughts for company.
It doesn’t have to be that way though.
Friends may have asked us out but have we accepted the invitation? Many widows and widowers to whom I have spoken have said that the best piece of advice they were ever given was, “Don’t turn down an invitation!” Easy to say I know but good advice, even so.
Of course, you may not have had any offers. Friends and family don’t always rally round as often, or for as long, as we would like. Building up new relationships - new friendship networks - is an all too familiar part of losing one’s partner.
Relationships that existed in the past do not necessarily continue…. Threesomes are not the same as foursomes. That’s certainly how it was for me at first - everybody else seemed to be part of a couple. Eventually though, I made new friends (other widows, single and divorced people mainly) and for some years now holidays have held no terrors.
So, for those of you out there who feel alone - or perhaps, given the holiday period, feel even worse than you did a few days ago, please try not to worry. As I have often said - and will continue to say - life does get better. But you have to work at it - no matter how hard that seems. Your future now is in your own hands.
Accept that invitation. If there isn’t one, go out anyway - a walk alone or a trip to the shops or the cinema is usually better than being stuck in at home. You might enjoy it and the TV will still be there when you get back!
My thoughts are with you.
Filed in: Specific problems, Just being....
Hi I have just read yesterday a wife today, a widow, I am still trying to come to terms with losing my husband, it will be a year next month the 15th July and I am finding the time now very difficult, I have been doing things, I got an invite to a wedding but found been on my own was quiet hard but hopefully the next invite will not be, I hope by doing the first time the second will not be harder. Learning to live on my own for now is the hardest thing I have had to deal with, I was with my husband for 31years, I married him when I was twenty. My family is great without they support life would have been harder.
Best wishes
Tricia
It’s 4:20 am on the 4th of July. I lost my husband of 33 years in March of 2007. About the time I think I’m doing ok, grief sneaks up and attacks me unaware. I have been crying for nearly an hour. I had fallen asleep in my chair in my apartment, and had a dream that someone was trying to break in. I, of course, was scared, and couldn’t go back to sleep.
The type of thing that I miss is being able to snuggle up to my husband and feel safe, even during bad dreams.
I have been invited to go with friends on a road trip on Saturday, but I doubt I’ll go. I do feel like a 5th wheel. We used to go for evening drives in the country. I really miss that, especially this time of year when the hay is down, and all those good fresh smells of summer. We used to farm, and there’s no better life than that, in my opinion.
I wish you well,
Paula
hello, I was widowed 2 years ago and I was doing okay but somehow all the people I have met through bereavement groups have found someone and moved along a little, I am on my own again! I don`t know what to do now. I know this sounds big headed but I have mentored all these people to move on, all of them thank me from the bottom of thier hearts, but what about me!! I am exremely low and just now I feel that I am more desolate than ever. I was married 37 years and knew him 41 years. All I want is to be happy. I am so lonely. I work, thank god but in education and the next 6 weeks holidays is very daunting.
Isn’t it difficult, to go or not to go when you are invited out - if you go you wish you hadn’t if you don’t you wish you had. My husband died this year on July 20 - so far i have kept busy and have accepted a lot of kind invitations but I suppose there will come a day when you have to start doing things on your own and not rely on other people. Somehow not so much fun when you are used to going out as a twosome. I don’t know what else to say ‘cos everything at the moment is such an effort and for what…..
By the way we had been married 36 happy years so at least I should be grateful fo that.
I just finished crying (again) right before I found this place, where I can write and people understand. My husband passed away almost 2 years ago. My children and I have struggled through. My son, who is 12 now, has the hardest time. He so needs male mentors, but guys offer to spend time with him, and for the most part, no follow through. I try not to be angry, but I am. We don’t get invited to things like we were before. I can only guess it’s because I have no husband now. I don’t mind it for myself, but I do for my kids, especially my son. He’s feeling not only hurt, but rejected too. And this isn’t by people out in the world, this is by our church family. I don’t speak any of this to my kids, of course. We live on a small farm, well, ranch, I guess. We have cows. What I know about cows could fit on the head of a pin, but I thank God for our neighbors. They have just been here for us! I try to be thankful about things, and most of the time I am. But sometimes it’s hard. I miss my husband. We built this little 40 acres from the ground up. No one else could appreciate it like he and I did. We used to sit on the front porch in the afternoons drinking coffee, and looking out over the field, talking about our day. We were married 19 years. He had Lou Gehrings disease. It was a very difficult 3 1/2 years before he died, but he handled with incredible courage and dignity. I try to handle being widowed with the same grace. My daughter is 16. She was Daddy’s princess, you know. I’m proud of her. She just came home today from the national FFA convention, where her team placed 5th nationally in agronomy (plants & their diseases). They’d never competed nationally before this year. She also placed 11th individually nationally, and got a $500 scholarship. I’m so proud of how she persevered through all this. We’re our own little family now, me and the kids. And we’re gonna make it. Thanks for letting me “talk”.
OK, I need expert advice. My father passed away in March of this year, and because of illness and job loss, I have moved in with mom. I am a lady with grown children who live far away.
How do I help her get through the holidays? How do I cope? Dad is gone, and there is this huge hole. I need to get mom through. She is already saying that she wants to “stay home” for Thanksgiving and Christmas. As it stands now, my sister and her husband and their brood are coming Thanksgiving and we were to go to my sister’s Christmas.
Unfortunately, my job (yea! I have one!!!) has announced that we get two days off Thanksgiving and just Christmas Day. I tried to switch plans w/ my sister, and she told mom.
Now the fat is in the fire. Help!!! Advice???
I have been widowed for five years now my husband was just sixty years old. Iam very outgioing but over the years friends have started to disapear. Dont get me wrong I ssill get the odd phone call but not the same invites out when we were a couple. Idont know why because I am still the same person just less a husband I find it so sad that friends if that is what you can call them seem to disapear after a while just keeping in contact occasionally.If there is any one out that feels the same please e-mail me
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Промоутер When first bereaved most of us find that being alone brings back painful memories. “This time last year…” etc. These thoughts can […….