Yesterday, a wife: today, a widow
Written on May 22, 2008
I had a phone call from my cousin’s wife last night. She told me that George had died. Although we knew it was coming, and George faced it with courage, his death even after a long illness, was still deeply shocking.
We think we are prepared, but we’re not. I suspect that no one ever is. As Vivienne talked to me on the phone I could hear distant snatches of my own voice from seven and a half years ago. I recognised the sound of her tears mixed with her determination to hang on, to retain at least some self-control. There was disbelief too, for her as for me. Did she think, as I had done, that it just couldn’t be real, that she was dreaming or perhaps a character in some strange play. There was a sense of unreality too, a need to say how it happened, to describe the moment of death and the second she knew it was over, that he was dead. And then there was all the practical stuff, saying she would let me know about the arrangements and so on. Already, numbness was kicking in, keeping her going…
What is certain is that yesterday her life changed forever. Then she was a wife; now, she is a widow. “Life goes on”, people say, and it does … but from the viewpoint of the recently bereaved it gets worse before it gets better.
But get better it will. Vivienne will not believe that right now, even less when the initial numbness wears off and the reality sinks in. Words of comfort from friends and family will seem empty. Like most of us, she’ll probably feel that no one understands.
Over time though, again like the rest of us, she will learn to adjust - just as George would want her to do. We don’t so much “get over it” as “get used to it”. Slowly we pick up the pieces. We do get through it: we do learn to live again. A different life certainly but, with a fair wind, it will be a happy one… no mater how impossible that seems at the beginning.
Filed in: Just being....
need to meet with people i have only just lost my husband at is all new to me thank you. rosemary
I know a little how you feel. I lost my husband just under 3 months ago. A very quick ordeal. We had to get an ambulance for him on the Friday as he was vomiting and passing blood. - we thought it was just the stomach complaint which was going around at the time until the evidence was in the bathroom. He spent all day in A & E on the Friday, 6 units of blood transfused and then moved to a High Dependency Unit that evening. He had all the usual tests done and was moved to a ‘normal’ ward on the Saturday night. I was obviously visiting him and on the Sunday he as back to his usual self ..” what do you mean you can’t find my glasses, well i’ve borrowed some now so please can I have a newspaper, if I’ve got to be in here how about the TV”….. My last words with him were concerning him reading the football scores in the newspaper - so absolutely normal after 33 years! Last words I said to him were ” if you’re reading the paper, I may as well go home. Okay was the reply, see you tomorrow”. I called on the Monday morning to see how he was and he was asleep so we decided to leave him be - you know what men are like. Sometimes you can wake them up and they can be so ‘uncool’. I called back later in the day to see how he was and was asked if I was on my way in to the hospital - no rush of course! By then it was too late - he died in theatre a few minutes before I’d called. I find it really difficult at times although people expect you to carry on, deal with things, tell you how good you’re looking (even though you’re losing the weight etc because you have absolutely no interest) but, hey ho, chin up, bill to pay (no money), work to deal with and also be there for other people’s hurt. I can go on and on. I’m one of the lucky ones - I have many supportive friends who are there for me. Rosemary, if you every just want to e-mail please do. I won’t be able to do a lot but will know a little of what you are going through - each person is different so I can say that I will know ALL that you are going through.
Jo
My daughter just introduced me to “blogs”. Oh, I thought there must be something for widows. My husband passed away very suddenly on February 4, 2008. I found him in his chair in the living room. He just “checked out”. 63 years old. Of course, I was shocked and walking around in circles near him. I couldn’t believe he would leave me and I still can’t. One week to the day he died, my granddaughter was born. Mia is a blessing and has helped me get through this. I, too, have supportive friends, but they are mostly married. No widows close to me.
Now just miss him. We had never been separated for more than a week.
Just retired 12 months ago.
It would be nice to be able to communicate with you as you have gone through the same thing. Thanks, Jana
Yes, my husband died just 6 weeks ago with just 3 months notice, unless you’ve had a bereavement its very difficult for others to understand and know what to say. Outwardly you seem OK , but they don’t see the inside. The cards and letters dry up and you’re left with the paperwork which is absolutely horrendous, I feel I want to put it all on the bonfire!
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# Comment by Jane:
I lost my husband 2 weeks ago 25th august 2008 he was my best friend and we did everything together. We have never been apart and now I dont think I can go on. I cannot stop crying and am afraid to go out. I have 2 children that live near by but it is not the same. I am 50 years old and feel lost and alone
I lost my husband 3 months ago and the feelings aren’t yet getting anything but more hurt and not knowing how to face the future. We did everything together and now I don’t know how I will cope when I move back home after staying with my daughter since it happened. My grandaughtr keeps me going but I’m feeling more depressed as time passes.
Dear Jane and Marian
You may not want to hear this but two weeks, even three months is absolutely no time at all. I am not at all surprised you feel as rotten as you do….
The only thing I will say - and I can’t promise a timetable - is that all the widows I have ever spoken to (and as national chair of the National Association of Widows that’s hundreds and hundreds), do reach a point where they do feel better and say they can “cope”.
We use words like “cope” because it’s as good a word as any other but the death of one’s partner, the person you have planned to spend all your life with, is a mega event and we don’t “get over it”. What happens is simply that we learn to live with it. Slowly we build another life, a life we may even - impossible to believe though it might seem - a life we even enjoy.
It’s very hard. Try to meet up with others in the same boat. Only widows know how widows feel. I don’t know where you live. There may be NAW events near you. Do let me know and I’ll put you in touch if I can.
Best wishes to you both.
Jean
I lost my husband a little over 6 weeks ago. No - I did NOT lose him…he died. He was 42. I feel like my life is over now, and that it is my time too. But I know that is not right, so I slug it out every day…work, friends, chores. I can hardly wait until I can join him. He was everything to me…and I loved him beyond the word “love”. I understand that I may feel differently one day, but this is really, really hard. Thanks for the site…I need all I can get to survive right now.
I have just read all of the comments made by the ladies on this web site. This month on the 18th will be the annniversay of my lovely husband’s Peter’s death. I still feel as if someone has gripped me by my heart and will not let go. How I have survived this year I really do not know, all I do know is that I still want my lovely man back. The pain does get less, but this is very gradual, and for me the first year has passed in the ‘blinking of an eye’. I am sure everyone around me feels that now a year has gone, I should be feeling at lot better, but the truth is, I don’t think that I do. My husband died very suddenly, one minute he was there, and the next gone. The shock was awful, we had been together for 14 years and I felt robbed.
I know I will move on, but my life will never be the same again.
My heart goes out to you all on this website, and I wish you all some peace and resolve in the future.
I too lost my partner of 13yrs only three months ago and it still feels like yesterday. I couldn’t stop crying, not eating or sleeping. I have been racked with guilt about all the things left unsaid or done and ended up at the doctors. Tablets have helped a little and at least now I sleep. But the pain is still so raw and the loneliness so deep that I feel totally lost and useless.
The head tells me all the logical things and the heart totally overrules.
I know I have to move on and cope somehow but at the moment feel as if I’m in that long dark tunnel with no light at the end.
My partners sister also lost her husband within one month of losing her brother so we keep in touch and talk a lot which is helping us both.
i lost my husband in jan 2008 it is coming up for two years it seems two months ago every day i miss him and think of him all the time i find it even harder the second year as reality has hit in the loneliness is hard we were married for 32 years i often feel depressed and wish i wasnt here as the family carry on with there lives and i feel they only fit you in when they can