A couple of comments over the last few days have set me thinking. One was from Catherine, a widow of only eighteen weeks, who says she has gone from sitting in her pyjamas all day to being out all the time, doing anything except going back to an empty house.

The second was from Joyce, a widow of eighteen months, who having experienced a five-day holiday with friends found herself wishing that she had stayed at home. Having been relegated (as we usually are) to the back seat of the car - something which I well remember made me feel terribly alone especially the first time it happened - Joyce remarks that she still had to face coming home to an empty house with no one to chat to about the holiday. “Saying yes to every invitation is not always the right thing”, Joyce concludes.

Of course, she’s right - it’s not always the right thing. But that leaves the possibility that it usually is!

I do understand where she’s coming from though. A holiday made me feel that I was going backwards! Yes, there was the car episode but the worst bit for me was the late afternoons when we went to our respective rooms to rest, shower etc before the evening meal. When I was with Mike we always had a good old chat, lying on the bed, relaxing, talking about what we had done and what we had seen. On that holiday, what an upsetting contrast: there was nothing - just silence and me alone with my thoughts…

I suppose what made it especially bad for me, and I suspect for Joyce, was the fact that the friends were a couple (my in laws, in fact). In truth, if it’s hard for us, it’s hard for them too - but some friends are more thoughtful than others. (The more they said “we”, the more I wanted to cry!) The length of the break was a problem as well. Too much, too soon perhaps.

Joyce is right though when she says that it’s important to go with your gut feeling. Only you know how you feel - and that’s a fact. And yes, it is a big mistake to do too much. But you do need to push yourself even if it’s only a bit - as both Catherine and Joyce have rightly been doing. It isn’t easy. Our first steps, into a new, and unwelcome life, are very difficult and we do have to be kind to ourselves.

So, despite everything, my message to Joyce, Catherine and to others is this - don’t push yourself too much but do keep going out, especially if you can mix with other widows or others not entrenched in “coupledom”. Are there any National Association of Widows meetings or get togethers near you? Let me know where you live and I’ll put you in touch if there are.

To Joyce in particular I want to say this. You feel you are going backwards. You’re not. You were getting used to being alone (and that’s what it is” getting used to”, it’s not “getting over” or “forgetting”) and eventually your bad holiday will not seem so important. It’s just a temporary setback: you have done well already.

A final thought: I have now asked hundreds and hundreds of widows and widowers when the worst time was for them and a large number have mentioned the second year saying that it was only then that the reality really sunk in. However, regardless of whether you hit rock bottom sooner or later, the time will come when you will have a new life (even though not the one you expected) and yes, impossible though it seems right now, you’ll have happy times again. Trust yourself and believe it!

My very best wishes

Jean