Sharing our experiences
Written on February 6, 2008
As some of you will know, the NAW recently worked with the BBC in supporting a range of programmes about being widowed. I enjoyed taking part in quite a few interviews but I was especially pleased to write the support booklet “Losing your Partner” which the BBC gave out to callers and which is now included free in our pack of materials for new NAW members.
Many widows and widowers have contacted us to say how helpful they had found the booklet – particularly in those bleak early days - and this set me thinking that we should seek to expand the booklet into a book, to cover more issues and to tackle how people are feeling in more depth.
As some of you may know, one of the things the booklet does is to draw on the real true–life experience of widows and widowers. When our partners die we feel so desperately alone, even when friends and families rally round (and, of course, not everyone has that support). We often feel that no one else has ever felt as we do and that no one understands (although lots of people tell us they do!)
Talking to other widows and widowers reveals that plenty of people do understand - those who have been through it! As the comments on this blog clearly illustrate, there is a tremendous commonality in our shared experience -even though as individuals we may be very different.
Right now though I need your help. It doesn’t matter if you were bereaved recently or a few years ago: I want to hear from you about your experiences. For example, if you were working at the time how did the company and your colleagues handle your situation? Did you have any particular financial problems? If you were bereaved a few years ago how did you gradually come to start a new life? Or is that still impossible to imagine? What advice would you give others in your position? Was there anything that helped you to get through it? How supportive were friends and family? How long did their support last? Do you feel guilty in any way? Anything that matters to you, matters!
Please help by putting your thoughts on the blog or even better e mail jean@nawidows.org.uk, and ask for the questionnaire that sets out some of the questions I’ve raised above – and a few more. Just fill in as much as you feel comfortable with and, of course, nothing will be attributed to you personally.
By sharing our experiences, we will probably help ourselves and we’ll certainly help others… including those men and women who have yet to face what we have already experienced.
I look forward to hearing from you - and thanks.
Filed in: Specific problems, Just being....
I have now been widowed for 1year and 1 month ,sometimes it seems like yesterday and at other times it feels a lifetime. I did get a lot of support from family and really good friends .Sometimes though I did feel pretty desolate. My Daughter and son were coping with losing there dad, grandchildren were coping with losing grandad, I felt like I had to put on this brave front as though I was coping, but inside I was slowly falling apart. Friends mean well but really have not got any idea how it feels as they still have there husbands/partners to mull things over with. Then I dicovered the Widows site, and slowly my life is turning round, it will never be the same ,I would not want my husband back as he was ,but there is a differant life out there, and a lot of hope for the future.I look forward to meeting new friends and going on journeys with like minded people . Anne
My husband died 29 July last year. It was totally unexpected. At the end of May he was diagnosed with cancer with multiple metataces and just 8 weeks later he died. We, that is my sons and I, nursed him at home and he died in his own bed surrounded with our love, and for that I will always be thankful. The nursing was hard but I would do it all again. We, my husband and I, had been married for 37 yrs and in a relaltionship for 39 yrs to his death. No-one could prepare me for what I have been going through since. Lonliness ? The word does not describe how empty I feel without him. People and friends ask, “Are your sons giving you support ? ” Of course they are but they too are bereaved and also have their own lives to live, and they too have to come to terms with the loss of their father. I feel as if half of myself died with him. I found that when I went shopping I did not know what I wanted to buy. I’d forgotten how to shop for myself alone. My self confidence went. I suddenly became very vulnerable. Sometimes I still cry when I think of him but he was an amusing man to be with and more often my nostalgia is with a quiet smile.
I was, and still am, working part-timewhen he became ’sick’ and after the prognosis, did not return to work until 2 weeks after the funeral. My employers and colleagues could not have been more supportive and even now show more compassion and understanding to my moods than some of my friends. Friends ? They say the right things but very few actually come round and visit now. Most nights, after work, I sit alone in my house, talk to one or other of my sons, perhaps my sister also, on the telephone, watch tv and then go to bed.
I only found this site tonight - I don’t know whether or not it is what I need. I am slowly getting stronger and more confident and I think being in work (I am of retirement age) is helping me, but I am in need of something, or someone to give me another reason for looking forward. Janet
Hi Janet
Glad you’ve found the site. Hope it helps.
As you may know from the Sharing our experiences piece, I have been gathering together widows’ comments including remarks about friends and familly.
I let a friend (not in our position) look at my Friends chapter in draft the other night and was told that the picture I painted was “very bleak”. “But for many of us it is!”, I replied.
I know exactly what you mean when you say that few come round now. The only thing I’ll add is that those who don’t will in time be replaced by others who are more likely to understand your position. So, don”t despair.
Also, do you live near an NAW branch or county group? Just let me know which town you live in and I’ll help if I can. It’s good to meet others in the same boat and, this at least is my experience, in helping others we often help ourselves too!
Look forward to hearing from you.
Best wishes
Jean
Have just found this website: my wife died 18 months ago, at age 56, after fighting a brain tumour for 10 years. Looking after her while bringing up our 2 children, running my own business, and seeing her lose her faculties and personality slowly over that time, left me exhausted and without any hope for the future when she eventually died. But, while she could still talk we were able to discuss what would happen once she had gone, and I had her firm instructions to ‘be positive’ and ‘find another nice lady’.
After her death, I could not contemplate any future at all. So many friends who had been such a help before my wife’s death somehow couldn’t find the words to talk to me afterwards, and I was left largely to my own devices. After the first terrible and bleak 3 or 4 months, in which I drank too much, saw almost nobody, and thought the future was just a black hole, I decided to ‘get a grip’ . Although I think of my wife every day (and probably will for ever) I decided that looking back was no option, and that only positive action could get me going forward again. I joined a gym, and actively called old friends to announce that I was now back in society. It was very hard to be single again in a social context after 28 years married, but you get used to it if you persist. I have found that being widowed somehow gives you a much better perspective on relationships and the value of friends. And, always the dutiful husband, I think I have been able to obey my wife’s instructions to ‘find another nice lady’ : she is widowed herself, so she knows how it is. But maybe I have just been lucky.
I have found that some people expect one to wallow and stay ‘in mourning’ for years and years. But they who have not experienced widowhood often cannot understand. In any case, that has not been my way, and was not what my late, lovely, wife wanted.
Its coming up to the first anniversary of my lovely husbands death. We moved to my present home just 3 months before my husband became ill. 2 years previously he had been diagnosed with prostate cancerand the treatment worked well and all seemed fine. 2 months before he became ill he completed the 3 Peaks Challenge with a group of friends and raised a substantial amount of money for his chosen charity. He had spent a year in training and I was so proud of him.
The cancer became very aggressive and it broke my heart to see him so ill. Even so, I now see that I was in complete denial that he was going to die and spent hours searching the internet for possible new cures.
Our best friends were incredibly helpful with arrangements for the funeral, which my husband had left instructions for. He was a very methodical man and with the help of these friends all instructions were carried out. However, following this, I have hardly seen who I thought were our best friends. I suspect that the man cannot cope with even coming into the house as he used to visit and sit with my husband in the bedroom. I have found this very hurtful but on the other hand I do understand the difficulty that he has as he and my husband had been close friends for many years. On the other hand, I have been surprised by the support given to me by aquaintances and ex work colleagues. All my family and friends live a four hour drive away but I keep in touch by telephone and they visit occasionally and I visit them.
My husband and I planned to have a dog in our semi-retirement but it was not possible because of his illness. However, 5 months after he died, I got myself a puppy and I really believe that she has helped to keep me sane. I have to get up in the morning and take her for a walk. Sometimes its a struggle but I have to do it and for that I am thankful. I take her to puppy training classes and have met new friends through this. The lonliness is sometimes unbearable but it is my choice. People tell me to ring them anytime I am feeling low but that is the last thing I want to do. At these times, I just want to shut myself away and cry alone. To others I am doing well but they have no idea of the heartache that I go through at times.
It is so uplifting to read other comments saying that life does get better.
I have very recently been a widow, my lovely husband of 30 years died on 28th February 2008. I am extremelly scared of being on my own and the pain of loosing him gets worse instead of better each day. As previously stated friends and family stop phoning and coming round as the days go on, and also as previously stated they say phone if you need us - how many times have you phoned and there is no answer. I dont feel I can carry on with the day to day life and worry there is out there and many times feel like ending it all, the only thing that stops me is that in case I dont do it properly and end up more of a burden to others. They say in time you get use to the situation, this seems many miles off to me. I am due to go back to work on monday, which is going to be extremely hard as I work in the medical profession, but “they” tell me it has to be done.
Thanks for the opportunity of “talking” even though to a computer.
I lost my wife of 37 years to lung cancer on 17th March. We both Knew it was serious, but thought with Chemo Therapy we would still have at least a couple of years to fufill our plans and do a little travelling. In reality it was only six months. Even though i still have a17 year old daughter at home, a 37 year old son living with me on a temporary basis and a 34 year old son who lives a few minutes away, i feel so alone. Every one has been great. We have been trying to support each other, but when i am sitting in the room on my own or in the house on my own i just break down and cry. I guess you never get over it , but maybe the hurt gets less over the years and the memories more comforting.
Work is difficult to cope with, but its no worse than being miserable at home. I guess i am luckier than many people because i have my family around me, But there is no replacement for a hug from your wife.
It does help to talk to people and leaving a comment on the computer helps too.
Derek
Sorry to hear hat your wife died so recently. You’re right, in my experience anyway, you don’t “get over it” but you do learn to live with it ….. and eventually make a new life.
The memories, too, do get more comforting as I mentioned in the “Apology” Post I added to this blog the other day.
Is there an NAW county group near you? If so, that would help too.
Best wishes
Jean
NAW Chair
My husband Leigh died on 12 February 2008 after a short illness. We had planned to marry on 25 October this year but had to marry in hospital on 6 February 2008 when it became evident that he was dying. I cannot believe that my hubby of just 6 days has gone, but even more unbelievable is the fact that I am coping so well with paperwork and day to day living. I know that it has not yet hit me but i feel that life is just carrying on and I am just caught up in the flow. I am 36 and Leigh was 44 and we have four children between us from previous marriages. I feel so guilty that I am carrying on as though nothing has happened. Please help me.
I lost my husband of 30 years to lung cancer last October and I can really identifie with the comments on this page.Even though I’m surrounded by family and friends I feel so alone and would welcome a hug just to say things will be alright.One thing I haven’t noticed is that is there any one else who feels angry and cheated of a future ? Before my husband was diagnosed life was starting to look up for us.We had struggled finacially ever since we married but the children were grown up now and at last it was our time. Time to take those trips we’d promised ourselves time to spend money on us but cruelly cancer took those dreams away from us. Yes you carry on but life is just an existance not the pleasure it once was.
I lost my darling husband in May , he was diagnosed with a frozen shoulder in September last year but was in so much pain we sought help three times from our GP on the third visit in January it was decided to send him for xrays and after further scans he was diagnosed with lung and bone cancer,he had radiotherapy to help with the pain,but we were told on the day he was diagnosed it was to be pailliative care only. that was the day my life changed for ever.I nursed Ray at home with the help ofour daughter and the district nurses and he died with his loved ones round his bedside.I found it very hard because Ray was in in denial of his cancer and would not talk about it,I think he was afraid of me breaking down.I have lots of support from my family,but it is so lonely without him.we have been married for 51 years, I married him when I was 17.I feel so angry at times that he was allowed to suffer the terrible pain from september to January .At present I feel as if I am on auto pilot,I want it to be a nightmare ,but it isn’t.I have just found this site after googling grief.I will be back.
Hi Joan
So glad you found our NAW site. I don’t know where you live so I can’t say whether we have members or groups near you. Let me know your town/county and I’ll let you know via this blog. OK? Alternatively, you could have a look at some of the events listed on our main National Association of Widows site. I am sure you would find it helpful to talk to others who are, or who have been, where you are now.
Your feeling of being on auto pilot is sadly all too typical: I for one certainly felt like that for ages and ages. Friends and family can be, and often are, very good but unfortunately only those of us who have gone through the experience actually understand - although lots of people think they do.
So, take it from one who knows(!) - you are on an emotional roller coaster, and it’s not an easy ride. But, the pain will ease, you’ll learn to live with it, and eventually - sooner or later - you WILL find that life is still worth living. Meanwhile, don’t be too hard on yourself.
Best wishes
Jean
Thank you Jean for contacting me,it is comforting to talk to someone who understands.I live in Chester and would appreciate it if you can let me know if there are groups in my area.
I am 53 and a Widow and the future daunts me!!! can anybody help????
Jean……
I can relate to these sad people that I have just read I lost my lovely husband to cancer nov 2007 and no-one knows the pain that we are going through unless it happens to you the one sad thing about is that we are all going to lose a partner sooner or later it is coming up for one year now and my heart is still into no matter how much I talk or how much I cry it will never bring him back but those beautiful memories that we shared wii never ever be forgotten I miss that kiss at night and his lovely arms around me one of the last words he said was please do not stay on your own you have got so much love to give but Ido not go out anywhere and when I do I sit in a coffee shop in lichfield and watch other couples enjoying life and I am happy for them Iam one lonely 60 year old lady
Hi could you please tell me if there are any groups or meetings that are within my region of lichfield staffs many thanks kath
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on 27th December 2008. I, like so many of you, feel my life is over. I respond to all the kind enquiries with the usual platitudes but don’t believe half the things I or other people say. Nothing will bring him back and nothing makes the pain go away.
Hello Bronwyn
You’re right of course, nothing will bring him back. But the pain you’re feeling now will go away…
That doesn’t mean to say that you’ll forget or “get over it”. But it does mean, hard though it is to believe (and I know because I’ve been on this terrible journey too) that life will be worth living again.
It sounds a bit of a cliche but it is early days. Is there a branch of the NAW near you or one of our Getting Together groups. If you tell me the town even the county you live in I’ll let you know.
If so you’ll find people there who have experienced what you have experienced; some like you will still be struggling, others will be further down the road and living a full and even a good life - even if not the one they wanted or expected. Everyone will understand how you feel - they too know all about the platitudes!
Don’t despair.
Best wishes
Jean
Dear Jean,
Thank you for your kind words. I sent for the information from the Widows’ Association but have not as yet done anything about it - I guess I’m being cowardly but I just don’t relish doing anything on my own although I recognise that it must help talking to people who have been through the same experiences. I have certainly been moved by some of the comments on this site.I live near Swadlincote in Derbyshire.
Bronwyn