About the NAW’s chair
Jean, the author or this blog is Chair of the National Association of Widow, a UK charity. She has served on Council, the NAW’s management group for almost seven years, and has been chair for almost five years. Widowed in her 50s Jean was Managing Director of a design consultancy in London when her husband Mike died and she continues in that post today.
Jean, who has herself worked in broadcasting, recently produced the support materials for a BBC campaign about widowhood. Her booklet “Loosing your partner” was particularly well received and Jean is now expanding it into a more comprehensive record describing how widows cope, how they really feel - even when saying “I’m fine thank you” - and how, gradually, life starts to be worth living again.
My lovely husband, Geoff, died last year at 53 years old. I am a “young” widow the same age and even after 20 months it all seems so daunting and I grieve every single day. There must be so many people out there in my position that I could speak to. I have wonderful friends and 2 lovely daughters, so a lot to be grateful for.
Hi Ella
I know what you mean about being a “young ” widow - I am 53 and lost my husband Alek in August he was 55 .
I am finding it difficult to contact other widows in their fifties - there is not much going on on the forum and tried to contact 2 ladies from the contact list I got when I joined but neither have replied.
Yvonne
Hi Ella and Yvonne,
Just to let you know I’m out here - I lost Neil, aged 56, in July this year. I’m 55 - not sure if that puts me in “young widow” category!
Regards,
Linda
Hi Ella and Yvonne,
I am a recent widow. I just had my 50th birthday. My husband died at age 57, and it will be a year on Jan. 31. I have three children, ages 21, 19, and 15. It seems I was numb for most of the first several months, and it is only in the last two months that I have found it so difficult. It is getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. It is a struggle. I feel as though my life has ended too. What is there to look forward to? Why get up? Once I am out of bed, I seem to do okay, but I feel tired most of the time and lack motivation to do much of anything. When the kids are around, I do okay as I want to be as normal in front of them as I can. But when they aren’t home, it is so easy to just vegetate and do nothing. I am just so heartbroken. My husband was a fire captain in the City of Newark, New Jersey. His illness (lung cancer) was diagnosed in November and he was gone two months later. It had spread all over his liver and that is what did him in. We loved each other so much and were so perfect for each other. I guess I am still in shock. I have accomplished many things since he died, i.e. new windows, new roof, new siding, etc., but I just seem to be feeling the pain so much now. I feel so alone in the world. I am seeing a talk therapist and that helps a little. There are times when I am just fine and can laugh and have a good time, but not without feeling guilty. It just doesn’t seem right that John is not here. Do any of you have any of these feelings too? This is the most pain I have ever felt in my life.
Well thats 3 of us in our 50’s - I know that 50 is the cut off point for the “young” widows association but 50s is young to be widowed and I think we can give each other support in understanding losing our partners at an age when we should be looking forward to growing old together and doing things that we were unable to do while our children were very young.
Lets face it everyone feels cheated when they lose their partner and the pain can only truly be understood by someone who has had it happen to them.
And another one to join the club I think the age limit should go up as I still feel young at 55.
I lost my wife to breast cancer at a time when you just feel you are starting to get your rewards for all the hard work of bringing the kids up.
Still miss her very much and still have a good cry and even goods news can upset you, I will be a grandad in July which I’m very happy about but a lot of the pleasure has been taken out of it.
But you do start to have good days the problems as I ‘m now finding is coming home after you have had a nice time out. It all comes rushing back.
I have found Jan this year has been really hard dark nights are no help
Ray
I agree with all of your comments. What scares me is that every time I have a few good days when I think I am getting some sort of normality back the pain comes back worse than ever. As marilyn says when I am at home alone all i want to do is stay in bed or lie around - i am clingy with my children ( 19 & 24 ) and when they are home I feel I should be making an effort to hide how low I am.
January has been a horrible month as Ray says - the dark mornings and nights seem endless.
i do wish the forum was working better as it is only open to members we could give each other contact details etc whereas these comments are open to all.
We may even live near each other - who knows!
Hope the NAW members’ forum is OK now. I am told it is. If not please ring Carrie in the office.
Best wishes
Jean
Hi Jean
The forum is working but seems no-one is using it - could that be members don’t know about it or they gave up when there were problems earlier?
Also the log-ins changed for better security maybe members aren’t aware?
I am 28 & on the 3rd of November my Partner of 6 years collapsed and died of a heart attack he was 44 with 2 young children, every single day i struggle to come to terms with what has happened and I feel that i never will get through this the only way i can describe it is that i feel cheated out of my future in a moments breath it was all taken away from me.
I lost my beloved husband of 30 years two years ago. He was 55 and I was 53. I, too,share your feelings of grief and hopelessness. I have no dreams or plans for the future. I always considered myself young, however, I’m not sure I am any longer.
I have found a website called WidowsWearStillettos. There are so many of us out here!
Hi to all, This is the first time I have done this type of communicating with anyone other than family and friends. Boy does all the feeling and emotions sound so familiar. I lost my husband of 27 years to an auto accident. We have two grown children and one grandchild. It has been so hard to let go and truely grief, i feel if I let myself go I am not come back. You feel you have to be strong for those around you. And when you have those times alone it is hard to hold on. For me it has been four years now and the pain is still just are real as if it has just happened. I think it is due to the fact i have not really let go and grieved for my husband or myself. I was 47 and he was 50 when the accident happened. Like so many what do we do now? We had reached the point were we could enjoy each other again, do some traveling that kind of thing. Several mention the word cheated out of what we thought was going to be the next stage of our lives together. And people, family don’t understand why we act or feel the way we do, because they have not been where we are, truely alone without anyone to talk with, hug, kiss, run your problems by, share the days events, discuss what need to be done around the home or plan for holidays, birthdays, special events. I hope i didn’t depress anyone, but sometimes it helps just to say it to others who know exactly how you feel. Pray for me and I will pray for you all. I guess the biggest thing of all is being truely alone and not sure if their is another soul mate or if we get a second chance at love. Wishing each of you all the best on this journey we must walk. Tina
My wonderful, larger than life husband died on 20th March 2008. I think it helps that I work as a Clinical Psychologist. My husband died on a Thursday and I decided to offer counselling to my clients who lost their baby the following Monday. In ways that most people would not understand, it helps to share one’s grief with others who are going through the same process. I also decided to see my clients because my husband was a selfless man and I wanted to lay my grief aside in order to help others. What I find painful is the way people judged me. Some commented that I managed the grief process so well because I did not love my husband enough, whilst others decided to enquire if we had problems with our marriage before he died. My husband’s catchphrase is “life goes on”. I am also happy that my husband is in a better place where there is no more sorrow. I cherish the times we shared together and they will remain with me forever. Grief itself is a medicine and it helps to get the emotion out through talking, crying and keeping busy. The love we shared will always live on and knowing that my husband had great impacts on people’s lives is a great comfort. My husband thought nothing of eating with homeless people and taking them to Mcdonalds. So anyone who is in the same position as myself, I would like to encourage you to cherish good times and write them down if you have to. Take carexxx
I am a “young” widow too. I am 50. I lost my beloved husband Bob. April 19, 2007. It is almost a year, yet it seems at times to be yesterday. Bob was older than me. He was 71. But his death was unexpected and the hurt and pain are just as fresh. I had hoped we would have at least a few more years together before illness would be a factor. We were only married 4 years.
Sometimes I feel cheated. I had found the love of my life and we had a truely happy marriage. Bob made me feel so special and loved. I sure do miss his smiling face and his beautiful blue eyes. I do cherish the good times and there were plenty. I know he would not want me to be sad. He would want me to move on. I can not. Maybe it is just too soon. Thanks for caring.
I am widow too.I am 62 and lost my dear husband on 28/8/05 after 42 years of marrige.What do you do ,how do you make anybody understand even by having 3 kids and 4 gourges grandkids and they are very nice and there kiping me bysy but I fill so alone.Tina discribe so clearly what we going thru.Thanks Tina and all to care and share our pain.Marija
i’ve been widowed at the age ot 27…my husband was 29….he died on 11 march 2008 and just reading all your postings, makes me feel so very sad, sad that i actually have to write this and sad that I’m not with him sharing a joke or just enjoying each other’s presence….its been two months and in a broken moment when i think that I may have a bit of strength to carry it, it comes crashing down a million times worse…we were best friends and partners in crime for ten years…it doesnt seem fair that my whole world came crashing down and my future was stolen in the blink of an eye…….
Try this site for widows in their fifties www.merrywidow.me.uk/
I am widow 62 year old and finding very hard to conect with other widows betwen 60 and 65 or closer .I agre with Yvonne we myte even live closer than we think ,but is now where to know ???? there sould be ways to exchange e-mail or contact. Is the any sites or clubs for widows where they are comunicating trough e-mail or get together.If anybody know anyting please let me know . Marija
I too am a widow. I am 62 and lost my husband after 27 years of marriage in September 06. I am so lonley. I have work to do, commnity groups that I am invloved with and many good friends. But nothing replaces the damn loniless. I just need to chat with some one else who know how I feel. I am not so very computer lliterate, but does any one hav a web site that I can go to, even just to journel out these horrible feelings. My cats love me unconditonally but can’t answer back (except at feed time!).
thank you for listening.
Dear Marija and Marion
Where do you live? There may be a NAW group near you.
I do hope so as meeting others in the same position does help. It certainly helped me. When I was widowed, I didn’t know anyone else of my age who had had that experience. I felt desperately alone - sounds like it’s the same for you both.
The NAW has a private members-only web site which you may find helpful. The site will give you some idea about local groups too, so do look at it and think about joining. Even if there aren’t any NAW activities nearby now, new groups are starting all the time so keep in touch…..
Best wishes
Jean
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Thanks Jean, I live in Westmeadows and hoping that is somthing in my area,and how to join.Please let me know.Marija
Dear Marion, we are in same age and have same problem .I am not very good with my writhing,but if you would like to chat trough email you can contact me on maricah62@live.com.au .Thank you Marija
I am a young widow,and in august of last year i lost my partner of 9yrs,dominic after a short illness. IO mths on i find hard to come to terms with, i struggle to get through most days, i go to work,and that keeps me going. you see it was always just the two of us.We lived for each other he was my reason for everything,and i was is. Now theres nothing, just a big empty hole, and the lonilness is unbearable. Dom died at 38, and i miss him so much.
Dear Marion sorry on wrong e-mail adresse,forget the doth.Is maricah.62@live .com.au.Marija
I myself was widowed last August at the age of 49. We were married for 20 years at the time of his death. Working for a law firm specializing in estates settlement, I was having ample opportunities to meeting widows of all ages. Contuary to common believe that widowhood being the life event of senior years, the average age of widows we met was only around 52 when widowed for the first time. The majority of whom was actually between say 46 to 56 years old. Sadly enough, it is not even uncommon to seeing widows in the early to mid-50s when being widowed for the second time.
Despite dealing with widowing issues for the past 15 years, I still assumed that widowhood was being somebody else’s business until it happened (how wrong was I!). Having a wonderful family, a successful career and being the mother of 2 college age daughter (age 22 and 24), I could never imagined being widowed at middle-age. Even though I already possess the knowledges on dealing with most practical affairs (like funeral arrangements, insurance, tax return, filing for widows benefits and all the inheritances issues), the emotional aspect is something that no women could prepare in advance. I was left to tackle all uncertainty, the loneliness and above all, the redefination of my self identity. It is the very first time for many years that I was no longer a wfe but continues to address myself (and still being addressed) Mrs. I lost count on the number of time I was asked to submit my husband’s death certificates while ticking at the “widowed” columes on all forms and legal papers but witout much emotions. That feeling of numbness and isolation alone is simply unbearable for me. Not to mention the complicated issues on counciing the children for their grief..
Compounded with the unexpected passing of my ex-husband (father of my eldest daughter) last month, I am simply emotionally exhausted. I am real grateful for my circle of good friends for their warm and hearty supports during my difficult times. Meanwhile, I am yet to decide on wheather not to attend my ex-husband’s funeral. We were divorced in 1986 at pretty bitter terms but it happened that his current wife (now his widow) and I became good friends. My mother was saying that it is inappropriate and etiquettically wrong for me to attend owing to my recent widowhood. I would appreciate some comment and suggestion from you. The funeral, however is scheduled to be on next Tuesday.
i have just browsed through some of your comments and note the similarities. i am a recent widow 57 years old and i was married at the age of 18 to the most beautiful loving ,caring and absolutely wonderful man. i moved from being his sweetheart,lover,teenage wife,mother of our children ,his friend, sister, caretaker,brother, and then in the last years i assumed a mother’s role and agin his lover.. i actually multitasked. when i say caretaker i mean i literally stopped him from going to work and provided for the home financially and otherwise.i am not taking this well at all it gets worse as time passes. At first i thought i could do it but now nah it is not worth trying.
i cannot try to forget a life of 42 years and the last words of a soul reaching out to me saying ” i love you more than anything else in this world . i have already fulfilled my Karmic duties and i am now going to heaven.
you have been in all my past lives i was in this life with you and i will also be with you in the next life. you are my soul mate and my twin flame”. then he leaves me in a twinkle. How do i go on now. i live each moment for that time. i am not afraid of death now. so i do not know what is there to be happy again in this life. He was my simple happiness. no one understands me and i am told to move on but i cannot make a life with anyone else since i believe that i am part of a promise. CAn you understand. Maybe i should tell you that we are of east indians descent of trinidad and tobago and we are hindus. So reincarnation is our belief.hey i am not angry with god i understand why and what happened and as i tell my people i am not wounded so i do not need to heal . i am just greiving and living in a void. i do have six great daughters but they cannot fill that relationship gap. i had a wonderful relationship so i guess all good things come to an end and only god is in control. i wish i could hear gods voice. hey i am writing from my soul so maybe god is listening to me and would answer. i am sure god can read.i already have a relationship with god and i intend to let it grow stronger and stronger.
so good luck to all you ladies out there
nice talking to you
love aAnnette
Annette just wrote i will write again . my eyes arefilled with tears and i am about to leave for home. please forgive me if i end now. thanks i million for this opportunity.
god bless
Annette Rampersad
I am a 55 soon to be widow. My husband has been sent home for me to care for him here during this short time of this life he has left. We have fought his cancer together since Jan 06. June 9, 2008 after man treatments of radiation and chemo and several surgical procedures, he spent this night of June 9th, all night on his steroids painting the interior of the house which really did not need painting at all. He was a builder and a perfectionist and because he was up alot during the month prior to this all night on steroids he was always putting things in order. On the morning of the June 10th he could not stand up, walk or use his legs at all. I transported him myself after help in getting him in the vehicle for over an hour to the hospital that had his oncologist there. He was admitted and on the 12 th we were told all treatment would have to stop and treatment was no longer an option. I arranged for everything to be delivered home as far as hospital bed and all that goes with caring for someone at home. On Friday the 13th we came home with me being told a month maybe two. Well we are still going pretty strong. He is very aware of all that goes on everyday. He watches his sports and news and likes for our grandson to be allowed to play around the bed with is trucks and sit on the bed to eat his lunch or watch sports with him. Our grandson is 6 yrs old and they are best buddies. I have only left the house to
get supplies and make all arrangements so nothing is left undone. I am awaiting liver transplant myself due to blood given me 30 years ago before they could check blood for Hep C. I was given contaminated blood and did not know it until two years ago and it had gone well beyond repair, so liver transplant is what will be taking place. I don’t think about that to much right now. Just take my medication and keep going for my husband. What a wonderful life we have shared, but he is 59 and I am 55 and we certainly did not think that our life would change so rapidly in our mid 50’s. He has been my partner, best friend, and a wonderful father. Everyone’s life is very sensitive at this time. I try to take on the bulk of things as our daughters are 25 and 23 and it is very hard for them. I don’t know what will happen from here, and after my transplant, but it is not a journey I look forward to. Thank goodness for my girls and 2 grandsons 6 and 4. I know it will be some very lonesome and sad times. He is comfortable now and that is all I care about at this time. I don’t know when the tears will slow down when they begin, but I feel it will be a long time. I do alot of poetry and it helps me with my thoughts. I live in the U.S. and my heart goes out to all of you and I wish you comfort and peace from across the miles. It is nice to be able to communicate with others. Our life on earth is not long, it is how we have shared it with someone we love for as long as we can that is what matters and that they know how much they have been loved. When my own time comes I will already have that as I know how much he has loved me and been so good to me and the family. I will keep him alive in his grandchildrens eyes for as long as I live.
My best to you all, Trish
dtss@blomand.net
I will be 45 in September and I lost my husband (Tom) of 23 years suddenly when we were both 41. I have 2 girls, 24 and 20 who my husband and I adore. It has been the most confusing and painful time in our lives in the last 3 1/2 years. My oldest daughter is mentally disabled and needs a lot of support from me and my youngest daughter is above average in her intellegence and has a drive for life. She will be a senior this year at a University out of state. If Tom had been a wrotten husband and father I think things could move on so much quicker and we could live our lives without this big empty void. He meant so much to me and I loved him completely. We had no words that needed to be said before he died and that gave me great comfort to know their were no regrets in our 23 years. I listen to other people and hear about their relationships and I sometimes question if I am making up the life I led with my husband. No marriage is perfect and he was not perfect. But he loved me completely, he respected me, and he did everything for me and the girls…….. How do you ever forget that, or find piece in knowing he is in a better place.
I’m usually up to the task of keeping my life as balanced as possible but it is really weird to be “widowed” at 41 and still try to pretend that I’m brave and I work hard to keep my family grounded…… Unfair, and wrong. I miss him until my heart breaks.
Kelly
I am 67 and Reading all these sad stories from younger widows makes me feel so grateful that I had nearly 45 years of marriage bat three weeks with my John who died in December 2006 of pneumonia and possible Lung Cancer (they wer stillk testing when he died) after many years being disabled and sick . My thoughts are particularly with Trish as she faces widowhood. God Bless you all.
I am 67 and Reading all these sad stories from younger widows makes me feel so grateful that I had nearly 45 years of marriage bar three weeks with my John who died in December 2006 of pneumonia and possible Lung Cancer (they were still testing when he died) after many years being disabled and sick . My thoughts are particularly with Trish as she faces widowhood. God Bless you all.
I am 50 now and was widowed in Nov 2000 at the age of 42. My darling Ken was the same age.when he died of brain cancer. We had been together since the age of 15 and even now, nearly 8 years later I miss him and his love and understanding so much. I managed to get our son through uni after Ken died, he is now settled in London with a brilliant job working as an investment banker. Our daughter Clare is now happily married to Adam, a wonderful guy. Luckily their lives have recovered but I now feel even more lonely than ever. After Ken died I knew I had to be strong to get the kids through from adolescence to adulthood and a happy future. Now that job is successfully done I feel there is nothing for me. I am more sad and lonely than ever because all the plans Ken and I had made for this time in our lives will never be. I really feel lost and don’t seem to have the wherewithall to do any thing about it. Today has been especially bad, a Saturday after a hard week at work, everyone who is part of my family and friends are busy doing things together and I am ‘home alone’ again feeling so miserable and alone.
I have read a few of the other comments and I myself am going through the same as all the other ladies. I have just lost my husband Bill on 10th july this year at the age of 55 with a heart attack.
He was a very fit 55 and lookes 10 younger, people always said how well he looked. I feel like my whole life has been taken away from me. All the plans that we were making for our future. We were married 32 in which were the best years of my life. I was so proud to be his wife, when I looked at him I still felt the same as I did when we met all those years ago. We have a lovely daughter who has just got married and so pleased that her dad was there to give her away. I am lucky that my close family have been their for me but this emptyness is something I have never experience. I had the most lovely man as a husband he was my best friend, my sole mate, and the love of my life. We were together all of the time joint at the hip. We were only apart for 2 days in the 32 years we were together. It all seems so unfair. The thought of spending the rest of my life without him seems imposible. I know we all have to try and I know Bill will be helping me. I hope all the other ladies in my situation try to be stronge and find the courage to carry on as I know I have too, even though it seems so hard to do. I know our husbands will be with us in spirt and guiding us in all that we do. I hope we all find a place in the world where we feel like we belong again.
God Bless
Teresa
Teresa
I was 42 when my husband David passed away. He suffered for seven years with a diagnosis of renal failure. I have two sons and it has been almost ten years since his death. The suffering has been intense but God has been healing through time as I continue to trust in Him.
I have been pursuing a Doctorate in Pastoral Theology for the past few years. Having struggled with self-identity and exclusion by others, I have realized that people often do not want to walk with you through the duration of your grief. Grief is perceived as something which should be ‘gotten over’ or ‘worked through’ on your own. Many times I have felt excluded, isolated, and very lonely ,,,even in the Church. I would really like to hear any of your stories of exclusion. May God strengthen you in your time of loss.
I was widowed last may for the second time.The first time was a tragedy my husband was killed in a road accident he was only 23 and I was 21. I thought my world had ended, but being young I managed to start over again. I met and married again to a truly wonderful and gorgeous man, we were married for 33 years, until last may when he passed away after an operation on his pancreous, he became septic and unfortunately was too weak after his operation to fight it. I was devastated, and even now after one year still cannot come to terms with the fact that he is no longer in my life. I put on a brave face to family and friends and even go out occasionaly, but feel no great happiness, the person who was my soulmate is no longer around, and the emptiness I feel cannot be healed by family or friends. I need to talk to others in this situation is there anywhere in and around the hornchurch/romford area please.