Christmas is a difficult time for many of us.

When I was first bereaved, in October a few years ago, and for a couple of months afterwards, I believed that I couldn’t feel any worse. Then, all of a sudden, as other people’s Christmas jollity started to bear down on me, I did.

I hated all the sentimental Christmas songs blaring out in shops bringing inevitable memories of Christmas past. I couldn’t sit comfortably to watch the Christmas film re- runs on television: they reminded me of what I was missing. I spent much of the office party that first December hiding in the lavatory unable to handle other people’s laughter when I felt so wretched! I sent no cards, put up no decorations.

I don’t know how I got through it….

This year though I am actually looking forward to Christmas. Yes, some things still upset me like when, last weekend, for the first time in several years, I went out with a friend to buy a Xmas tree. I thought of the last time I had done that…

Some people describe coping with bereavement as a journey. Personally, I see it as struggling along in a dark place trying to find the light. Right now, I’m out of the tunnel not because I have “got over it”, and not because I’ve forgotten, but because I am a different person, perhaps better, certainly more capable. resilient and understanding than before.

Of course, my life is not what I thought it would be, but it is my life. And yes, I do enjoy it - something that I never thought to say again especially during those bleak early Christmases when, although friends and family were kind and loving, I felt completely alone. Now I do new things, I go to new places, I have new friends (and a few old ones too). The “me” that was, is now the “me” that is!

So if anyone reading this feels that there’s no hope - you are wrong. But it will take time. Don’t expect too much too quickly. Right now, even putting on a brave face may be a major achievement but one day you too will leave the dark tunnel behind you.

My thoughts are with you this Xmas.

With every good wish.

Hello again

Just thought I would let you know something of what I’ve been doing. Quite a bit of my time has been taken up planning our next AGM (Coventry March 2008). It seems along way ahead but there’s a lot to do and the hotel likes a rough idea of numbers as soon as possible.

The AGM is officially our main business meeting but it’s also our main social occasion and in 2008 we expect to have more branch members and more head office members there than ever before. The AGM is perhaps particularly important for our head office members who, because they don’t live near a branch, often feel very isolated. This is especially true of course in the early days when most of us feel so desperately alone. I know it’s hard to come to an AGM, or any other meeting, in those circumstances - but it’s worth it. As a head office member myself I know it’s a great opportunity to make new friends.

The new county based Getting Together service continues to grow as more members are volunteering to act as area coordinators bringing groups of widows and widowers together for informal social occasions - all in the certain knowledge that everyone there has had the same terrible experience and that we are all in the same boat and so don’t need to pretend we are feeling fine if we’re not.

And talking of widowers, I was very interested indeed to read Rod Mason’s post and Yvonne Szczepanik’s also really struck home too. I’ve added a post to both of them.

Incidentally, talking again of the Getting Together groups, I must just say how much I am enjoying the Greater London Meetings organised by Imogen Disu. We all met at the British Museum last week to see the First Emperor terracotta warriors’ exhibition. It was most enjoyable - although sadly I missed out on the meal afterwards as I had to dash back into work. But even so it was great and certainly not something I would have gone to see on my own!

Later today I am off to Essex to a meeting that Shirley Wood the Essex coordinator has organised. It will be great to meet more of our Essex members and I am looking forward to it!

More later!

Jean

It’s about a week since my last post. I am glad that the anniversary is behind me. Sometimes it all seems such a long time ago, something that happened in a different world. Sometimes it seems like here and now and only yesterday. The pain is different but still very real.

As NAW chair I have had a busy week what with work (as in my paid job) and work (as in my activities with and for the NAW). NAW volunteers come in all ages of course but I always think that those of us who are of working age when our partners die are lucky in at least one respect: work is therapeutic, a crutch in time of need. I suppose that’s why I have thrown myself into my NAW activities, too!

The NAW has given me so much. Understanding friends certainly - on Monday, for example, I am off to Spain for a few days with Joyce Howe, Chair of our Oxford branch. It’s more than just friendship though.

The NAW gave me a sense of purpose when I had none, when I really just couldn’t imagine I had any future at all. The realisation not only that others had felt as I was feeling but also that they had come out on the other side, that there was hope after all, was a lifeline.

Christine and the others who commented on this blog are the tip of the iceberg. There are so many widows out there, many feeling alone and often feeling beyond hope. I’m not saying that the NAW has all the answers, we don’t cover every town in the country for example, but for some of you it may be a help - just as it was for me. Please think about contacting the NAW office (details on the web site) and getting a membership pack.

This week too, I have been talking to several of our county and area coordinators whose job it is to convene a range of social activities in specific geographical areas. There’s more about this on the web site too. The whole idea is to encourage widows and widowers to come together and work towards the building of a new life. Easier said than done of course but talking and, above all, being with people who have also lost their partners, certainly helps. No matter how different we are as individuals, and we are different with different circumstances, backgrounds etc, widowhood is still widowhood. We have more in common than we might realise. We are all in the same boat. What you feel most of us feel…..

I have also this past week been putting the finishing touches to our 2008 AGM programme. These meetings are our main business meetings where we discuss how we can help each other, and others, given our limited resources. AGMs anywhere, anytime, are never a laugh a minute but even so we do have a good time together. The first meeting might be a bit strange for a newcomer - and every year some people arrive knowing nobody. After the weekend though, surprise surprise, they’ve made friends, even enjoyed themselves - and the following year it’s great to meet up again!

Let me know what you think. My thoughts are with you.

Jean

My husband Mike died seven years ago today. At the time I thought my life was over. that there would be no more happiness for me - ever. I was wrong. Of course, my life now is very different from the life I imagined even ten years ago but it is a life I enjoy. Getting to this point has not been easy. I am still not “over it”: we don’t live with someone for decades and then forget. Love goes on…

As I see it part of my job as NAW chair is to foster this process of healing, to help all widowers and widowers to build a new life. As in most jobs, there’s a lot of routine: it’s not all a question of making big decisions or doing earth-shattering things. As NAW chair what I do is to try to help others: to examine what we might do and, given very limited resources, examine how we might implement it.

Of course, there  are visits round the county, and management meetings and phone calls … both from branch officers and from individual members, sometimes in response to questions I’ve posed in my newsletters and sometimes because they want to volunteer to help or because they just want to talk.

I hope that this blog will help me to keep in touch, not only with NAW members but also with others, you out there, who have an interest in what we do - whether personal or professional.